Two hearts make a butterfly one

 

One caterpillar made new makes two hearts

 

In marriage it takes two hearts coming together to bond what doesn’t part

 

God created hearts to come together as seen with the butterfly and hearts

 

God created caterpillars to demonstrate His power to change hearts

 

His heart is seen in His creative nature but even more powerful in His tremendous love

 

His heart can be your heart, a caterpillar to butterfly he imparts

 

And every day can be a new beginning as He smiles watching His butterflies fly by with changed hearts

June 14th,2023

 

-SSP 

 

What If 

 

My little one year old son threw the cereal all over the dinning room

 

I tiredly was trying to clean up a poopy two year old and change the bedding of my four year old who also peed his bed

 

Sometimes I wonder when it all will end, but then I’m reminded these children of mine are each a precious gift

 

Sometimes I need to sit back and reflect on the goodness and greatness of this God who paid all my debts

 

I was so angry and often am as I clean up all the mess, but what if Jesus had the same attitude of angry selfishness as he died my death?

 

Would I still be washed clean if he cursed me from the tree that he sacrificially bled on to cover me?

 

Jesus died so I could live and dirty houses, sticky chairs and peed in beds are jobs I get to do instead of dying forever in hell fires stead

 

Thank you God, should be my cry, not why me, I’m trapped in a wheel of nothingness, my life has purpose, my children have souls and God trusted me to help lead them home

 

June 6th, 2023

 

—SSP

 

Break 

 

You’re afraid to ask for a break and so am I, we figured this out just tonight.

 

Your afraid you don’t deserve the break and I’m afraid you won’t give me the break I need to take

 

We aren’t that different than we might think, just two tired parents striving to do the next right thing

 

If you and I can just recognize in the thick of things that we play together this game of life on the same team

 

Life will be different as we continue on, showing grace where it is needed, the Lord always making us strong

 

 

 

It is nights like tonight when we break through the walls, that I see Gods grace when I realize what God saw as he formed you and me and said “together they belong”

 

I know you have my back even if no one else does, I hope you know I have yours too, no matter what comes.

 

You’ll meet me at the door, sit with me on the floor and let me cry and ocean of stress in your arms,

 

We know when it rains it pours, but our souls will endure and together we make a much stronger chord, so we’ll sing together no matter the song

 

May 25th, 2023

 

—SSP

My Baby "Peace"

 

My baby died today, murdered by a storm of unfortunate timing

 

My body screaming at me that it can’t take anymore, with the crushing reality of the children I already have at home,

 

Running around like a chicken with my head cut off, jumping at any chance to be enough, always to God I implore to help more

 

fighting exhaustion with a caffeinated beverage in hand, taking pain medicines, wearing pain patches just to get through life’s demands.

 

Is it my fault that my baby is gone? I felt like my life had only just begun

 

I didn’t want one from the start, so why does my heart hurt now that we’ve been torn apart?

 

Feeling overwhelmed and all alone, yet is this Gods grace to take him home?

 

Is this his answer to my prayer for me to live rather than die with not the strength to bring another to this world alive?

 

The world against him from the start, a world of hurt he’ll never have to play a part

 

Miscarriages have a way of making a women feel she has failed, even though I know deep down I’m too broken for good to have prevailed

 

Heaven cries in many drops of rain, the thunderous roars collide on account of my hearts tremendous pain

 

God chose me to stay, my Solomon to take, I should feel honored and yet still feel betrayed

 

He moved on to a better place, a mercy I don’t have to face, held in the arms of Jesus is my babe, when I get there I’ll look for my son Solomon’s face

 

April 5th, 2023

 

—SSP

 

Teacher 

 

Teaching a child the basics of the alphabet and trying to explain their significance, is hard even with lots of repetitiveness

 

I once was a child who struggled to read, but I had a mom who endlessly helped me, I know she was ever sending up prayers and without her and God I would not be where I am

I pray for patience and strength every day, because I know that my son will thank me for his knowledge some day

 

At times learning is full of joy and other times tears, but at the end of the day my sweet son always exclaims: I am the teacher he would always choose

 

I might feel discouraged as if he is not learning enough, should be progressing faster or I expect just too much; but other times I am encouraged by all that he knows, all that he does and all I am a part of as he grows

 

No matter what a day of education may bring, I’m reminded that God is in all things, yes; even in learning sounds and letters recited mindlessly, I'm reminded of the grace given freely to me and I know that this grace is the reason I can read 

God will bless him, He will not quit, God will equip him and I know all of this, because our Heavenly Father never quit me but gave me the world when He taught me to read 

Eventually my son will write and read too, he will continue to grow and improve and someday maybe teach the next generation of youths, how to rise above their challenges and make impossibilities truth 

So a challenge to Moms and Dads alike; know your value as teachers in your child’s life, never give up on anything you do and teach your child to walk with pursuit

 

02-25-23

 

-SSP

 

 

You Are With Me 

 

It’s like giving a drop of water to a dessert in need, expecting the thirst to be quenched by the flooding

 

It’s like putting a bandage on a stab wound bleeding, expecting something different than a blood drenching

 

It’s like walking through the valley of the shadow of death, always wondering if or when it will end?

 

My pain is like walking through hell; there is gnashing of teeth, crying and pain, no peace or help to be seen

 

I try to distract myself from the pain, to glorify God in everything has always been my aim

 

But right now in these moments of painful solitude, my faith feels weak while I try to reach the healing pool

 

I know God could heal me if he really wanted to, I have slept hoping when I’d wake I might be once more made new

 

“Jehovah Rapha” I say in the night, come touch this soul with your almighty light

 

I know you can do it if you just say the word, don’t leave me alone, locked in this cage like a bird

 

LET ME OUT, I shout! As I cry out in pain, while my faith inside me tells me your in the rain

 

Help me know I am not alone, that there is an end, that your still on your thrown and you won’t bend

 

Give my dessert an ocean of rain, Lord, help my unbelief so I can walk in your ways

 

Please don’t bandage a wound that is greater than any canyon, when you know to be whole I need your healing heaven

 

Walk beside me in this valley of the shadow of death, don’t let me fear the evil this pain inflicts

 

Let me rise like eagles on your wings, knowing this whole time, you were always with me. You are with me.

 

—SSP

 

02-23-2023

 

Silent Treatment but Promise Keepin 

 

If you think the silence will break me like a wave upon a shore, you should know it may bring hurricanes to communications as I implore, for a deeper and more meaningful relationship than before, but no more.

 

Running away will never change the dedication to our love that I had from before, I still promise to stick by you whether cold or whether warm, whether fighting waves of anger or sharing in loves most intimate forms; you can try to shut me out, but I will storm right through the closed door.

 

Why am I so committed to this pain? because I know the couple we can be when we live for Jesus sake, and why because even a rainbow appears after a hard rain.

 

Gods blessings are sure for those who seek Him and I pray with all my heart that you’ll be a man for Him, that you will see I want to listen and I want to be supportive, but that I need the affirmations from a loving and gracious husband.

 

I will never give up on you, I want to hear you say that too; I wonder if I’m all alone, but even if I am, I’ll love you the same as the day that you came and swept me off my feet on Cedarville’s bumpy side walk streets.

 

No matter how long the wait for you to feel the same, I’m in love with you even though you cause my heart pain and no amount of stress will make that change.

 

Again, I love you sweet husband and that cannot be taken away, though silence may try anyways, I promised to love you forever and someday; I think you will know that is an unconditional statement that I made on our wedding day, that is meant to carry through the enemies mighty shakes.

02-21-2023

 

—SSP

 

 

Our Love Is For All Time

 

Like a prick of my finger on a spinning wheel, your love pricked my heart for all time

 

Instead of sleeping deeply from the stick, your love gives me reason to wake up and live

 

Like a string on the violin you handle with care, your love sings our song for all time

 

And like a super glued object, we embrace and we stick, even though we are known for having short temperaments

I know you have my back and you know I have yours, our love is forever stretched like a rubber band that snaps, but always coming back to where it began

 

Why is this? because our love is for all time, no matter what time we are in.

02-19-2023 

-SSP

Today Is The Turning Point 

Today is the turning point

And I’m not turning back

 

Tonight, right now, in these moments here with you, all I know is Gods grace is without lack and I would pack and go anywhere with you

 

I can see all the things that you do and try, I now understand the motivation to the point where I cry!

 

Today is the turning point, there is no turning back,

 

I realize through a nightmare I had, I can’t do this life without you having my back

 

I realize I’ve been pushing for us to be a team, but God already made us just that when he gave you to me.

 

Today is the turning point, there is no turning back

 

I realize with life’s hurdles and when I feel all alone, like me, you’re rooting for me, from your knees, lifting me toward Gods thrown

 

I realize when we both feel we have drown, overwhelmed by the world and forever beaten down; that we still have each other to flip our frowns upside down

 

Today is the turning point for joy!

 

For now I walk with confidence that you work for OUR behalf, you may not know your destination, be exhausted by demands, but you work for purposes beyond yourself which motivates the way you live

 

I was crazy in my little mess, you were crazy too, but I didn’t see that God had already blessed, nor how that love He gave us even now is helping us to address the mess.

 

Yes today is the turning point, I will not turn back

 

I realize that without you there in my life, the hope of moving forward would be stripped; I would be a ship wrecked mess, far from the shore of deliverance.

 

But now with love renewed, a new perspective to pursue; I can’t wait until you come home, not just so I have my help, but because without you my heart is an empty shell

 

Today is the turning point, there is no turning back

 

I can feel it in your touch, you make me light as a feather, like the day we fell in love, when God brought us together

 

And I know once again that sensation like our long coffee date, that we will never stop talking, I’ll never stop falling and you’ll never stop catching me no matter what turns we take

 

Today is the turning point by Gods amazing grace, it isn’t the end of a chapter, but the beginning of our forever dates

 

February 18th, 2023

 

— SSP

The Pilgrims Parenting 

 

I feel like a bad Mom.

I feel like I’m so concerned with my first child’s education both spiritual and physical, that he’s missing Jesus whenever I’m hypocritical.

 

I feel like my youngest son is always going to be sick, because I’ve chosen to keep him comfortable between teething pain and his fractured collar bone by giving him Tylenol medication.

 

Then my middle child, I feel is just lost in the shuffle of life. I’m so busy taking care of her brothers lives, I barely notice who she is or what she needs inside.

 

I try to be enough for all three, but at night all the insecurities flood my brain with “what if’s” as if their entire existence depends on me.

 

There does not seem to be enough time in a day; to read to each, hold them close, make their meals, meet their needs, build into their minds and hearts and complete the mile long list of chores.

 

As if all that weren’t enough, I miss opportunities to touch others, to care for myself or even keep in touch with my marriage and living Gods love. I try to find balance but it’s never enough.

 

I feel like a clown from a circus in the position of a crowned princess expected to rule a throne with no wisdom of her own and yet, I hold to the promises of the King. 

As I read pilgrims progress to my little prince I’m striving to reach with the Gospel message; I am reminded that I too, for the King, am on a pilgrimage, to reach the celestrial city we know as Heaven. 

I know I will make lots of mistakes along the way, like Christian in the story, there are paths that seem right in my own eyes, but if I trust in my Savior that I am paid, than I’ll live in His light, the narrow path I can stay without being lead astray. 

 

Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness is ever prowling, I’m going to be tested, tired and tried, but I know if I surround myself with hope and faith that God will be with me and He’ll make my path straight. 

 

Yes I know, I can walk through the valley, the swamps of despair, I can pass through temptations and vanity fair, and even the waters of death yet be safe, with my eyes on that celestrial cities open gates, the Heavens which were built by Gods amazing grace.

 

I know He holds our futures in His hands, so I trust that my children’s names are written in the book of the lamb, and someday He’ll call out their names as we stand before the only one able to do all that which we can’t.

Note from the author:

 

We are all works of progress and on a journey for the Lord. Not just my children but myself included. I started to pray these things and I felt God saying “just write and bring your insecurities to a head and combat it with what you know of me” out of this confrontation was born this affirmation that I feel like a bad mom, but only in the dark when my eyes are taken off the King and His promises.

 

Jan 19th, 2023

 

-SSP

 

Pain BUT love 

 

Today I woke up with extreme pain in my left lower back and side. I knew my sciatic nerve was pinched again, but had to keep going, so I just cried.

 

I tried to grin and clean like I should and take care of my kids like they need, but the pain was too great to even respond the way I normally would to the things of life which were bogging me.

 

See my diastasis keeps me from carrying weight the way I should, putting weight on my back instead of my core. So I break under the pressures I once considered insignificant chores, losing my footing like a house built on a shore.

 

I got frustrated with my husband who had just injured his shoulder, the weather forecast of our love reading ever colder. I blamed him because my back has been burdened by the weight he would usually carry, the weights of life which for me are now too heavy.

Though neither of us have the energy to be able to help the other, to lighten the loads we both can’t seem to shoulder, knowing our God is able, but still feeling alone, trying to conquer we stand at a constant crossroad.

 

I felt guilty because the ice skating injury came from the date together I planned to be fun, but ended with him broken and hurting and me wishing we had not even gone. We were fighting and divided and I craved a time when we could just give each other love, not fighting time and just rise above like a couple doves. 

 

In marriage the couple is meant to be a team, but what do you do when both people are worn through? The maker must be the glue that mends the broken pierces together to make what seems impossible, an achievable endeavor.

 

1-14-23 

 

-SSP 

 

Broken Things 

 

I thought 2023 would end the year of broken things. So much was broken in 2022, although new things wrought new opportunities too, the broken pieces of everything certainly shined more through.

 

So far in January 2023, my two year old daughter got two stitches to her face, after head butting Grandma in the nose and coming down on a Star of David necklace she got from me on Christmas Day.

 

You’d think all that trauma would have calmed her down, but her hyperactivity only momentarily was drowned, before she danced her way into a dizzy frenzy, falling down on her baby brother of whom now has a fractured collar bone and constant frown.

 

My mother also some how broke her wrist, my Dad did something harmful to his and my husband not but a couple weeks before, damaged his shoulder while ice skating on our date and even now it is sore.

 

I’m wondering who’s next on this broken fix, even our ceiling needed fixing due to leaking through the ceiling in our kitchen.

 

2022 brought about broken things, a stollen and damaged car among lots of broken Christmas things, but 2023 seems to me, to be the year for people to be the broken things— I think between the two I preferred the broken things, at least compared to the people that I love surrounding me.

 

Praise God, even amongst the mess, he promises that He will always do what’s best. Jeremiah 29:11 is still true today “for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and future.”

 

I remember that God has a plan for my life, among the broken pieces he is working to provide. Taking all the pieces that I see shattered and building a tapestry to glorify Him and demonstrate His power that I might live in Him.

 

Jan 12th, 2023

 

—SSP

New Sport 

 

Tomorrow my baby hits the ice, trying to figure out a gift in his life.

 

New parents make lots of mistakes and he’s my first one, I’m worried I’ll miss which path he should go on.

 

He’s chosen this winter sport for this season of life and I’m trying to be open and even if it doesn’t work this time.

 

If he decides he wants to go another way, where should I encourage him to help him find his way?

 

It’s my job to help him up when he falls, to help him find himself and encourage him never to give up.

 

It’s my job to make sure whatever he does, that he does it with all his might for our Lord above.

 

Is skating his forever sport? probably not, but it is a start and I look forward to cheering him on.

 

God grant me wisdom to know what options to introduce and help my child have fun where you plant his tiny roots.

 

Jan 8th, 2023

 

--SSP

My Kids 

 

My four year old is an energetic smile. He brings laughter to a room and encouragement in the battle. 

He is rough and tumble but grace and mercy. He’s my help and my frustration, my friend yet my pain in different situations.

He is smart and witty and always knows what to say when mommy is having a really bad day.

He is imagination and fun, creativity and brains yet a counselor all at once and one who’s filled with Gods grace.

Today he reminded me to take a deep breath, to breathe in and out instead of staying mad and chaotic.

One day he told me in my deepest despair and pain: “today is a new day and we can start again”.

My two year old daughter thinks the stairs are a ride and the bathroom floor should be a slip and slide.

She thinks that doing dishes are a bubble bath outside the tub, and the bubbles are a root beer float to drink and sip all up.

She thinks that life is a stage and she is the dancing Queen while also the compassionate doctor who sings.

But, she sometimes thinks her baby brother is a punching bag, that Mommy is deaf to her demands and Daddy will always make her glad.

She thinks that cake should be had every day and that every day should be someone’s Birthday.

She is our Princess and Daddy’s little girl. She is Mommy’s helpful star who makes everything look good.

 

Last, but not least is my ten month old, he is curious and strong. His smile is wide and his trouble is LONG!

He thinks that dirty toilet paper is a great snack and toilet bowls are drinking fountain splash pads all in 1 pack.

He thinks a toilet brush is meant to clean his teeth even though a ten month old can’t use proper hygiene.

But, his favorite word is “Momma” and he doesn’t know a stranger, he’s a playful, fun-filled go getter, who loves his brother and sister.

He loves to laugh and loves to dance especially with his mother and nobody can make him laugh more than his older brother.

Nobody gives better hugs than him, his snuggles are like a baby bear forever clinging.

 

Yet one thing in common have all of my beloved children, their intention is to learn and grow and help their mommy be her best version.

Without a challenge there is little reward, little growth and little to be learned.

God gave us children to teach for sure, but I never knew that my children would teach me even more.

They want to do the heavy list of never ending chores, even though by doing so, they add to all my loads.

I know in the quiet moments of life, when I’m rocking my baby, reading a book or singing a song I know they really like, that this my friends is the “good stuff of life”.

All the chaos of the day was worth it to say: “I love you my child but God loves us more perfectly, goodnight and be blessed, as I’m blessed by your presence more then all these little things." 

 

January 3rd, 2023

 

—SSP

The "we" in Marriage 

 

I await your response with anticipation.

 

Though you often don’t respond and that leaves me exasperated.

 

I know you’re annoyed by my exaggerations.

 

Especially when my interpretations don’t match your intentions.

 

I try to confide, just want to know you’re on my side, but the weight of the world keeps us stuck in our pride.

 

Selfish envy and vain pursuits keep us from the developing our deeper roots.

 

I cry out for love, you silent treat me for respect, but all that results in is shame and regret.

 

When will our marriage be the picture of unifying grace, where peace and love reign?

 

It is when we humble ourselves, not considering ourselves over the other, but dying to ourselves for the sake of each other.

 

Jan 2, 2023

 

-- SSP

Welcome to the Real Me

Welcome to the real me. Fighting demons on my own, wishing I could break free and just go home.

I know you’ve got all your own pain. I don’t want to hurt you by my complaints.

You’ve always been a friend to me, but maybe by now you’ve heard or seen too much of me.

I understand if that’s true. It’s no fun to talk to someone who’s always fighting to be new, but always stuck in the same toxic mildew.

I want to write all the lyrics in my head. It’s my only expression, my only freedom, my only true goal and building bread.

I just keep thinking if I push through all the hurt, pain and neglect that I’ll find my healing in the end.

When will I learn “not my will but His” consistently enough to know He holds the end? To see He welcomes me even in the midst of all of this.

Welcome to the real me, the me who is on the Lords side. For I know this weight is why Jesus died and my name is written in His book of life.

 

December 28th, 2022

 

—SSP

 

Passed On 

 

 

My friend has passed on to a better place, where moths and dust cannot destroy.

My friend has passed on to a brighter place where darkness cannot taint His glorious grace.

 

My friend has passed on from a world of pain to a new body, new life with nothing but gain.

 

My friend has passed on from sins great chains to freedom in Christ, in Heavens peaceful gates.

 

My Friend has passed on from fighting the good fight, from losing a battle to winning the wars plight.

 

My friend is now in a much better place, although we will miss her, she’s bathing in Gods amazing grace.

My friend will not dwell on the things of the past, but praise our almighty God for the blessings she has.

My friend would wish all of us to rejoice as she is, now that Heaven is the beautiful place that she lives.

November 28th, 2022 

—SSP

 

My Friend is Dying 

My friend is dying. I am sad. I wish that the healing God that we have would reach down and touch her and heal her instead.

 

Sometimes the healing doesn’t look like we’d wish. Sometimes the healing is that person in Heaven instead.

 

God taught me how to pray “thy will be done” but it doesn’t mean I’m not sad my friend will never call this side of Heaven again just because.

 

No more calls to tell me about her dreams or share my own, no more calls to complain about the toddlers tantrums being thrown, no more calls to share requests, praises or what God is teaching. Only silence where my phone once would be ringing.

 

Without my friend there will always be a hole, where my friend who was true once filled with her love. Sure I’ll move on toward the upward call of God, but I’ll never be the same as I once was, when I talked with the blessing who spoke truth to my soul from above.

November 24th, 2022

 

—SSP

 

Parenting

Why is parenting so challenging to me? Are there other people out their who more times than not,
feel stuck in despair too? Are there other mothers looking for themselves, a midst the mile high daily chore list?

Why is parenting so challenging? I thought this would be so fun, I thought my children would want to listen to my heart or at least to Gods.

Why is parenting so challenging? Spaghetti on the walls and floors? Puke on my pants from hours before? Sharpies being found marked all up and down my hallway corridors.

Why is parenting so challenging?
I want to push them on the swings
but all they do is whine and complain while I'm stuck doing everything that nobody else wants to do.

Why is parenting so challenging?
Every second they act like their dying
but the person suffering the most is the person they call mommy. Stuck inside crying out for more time, while her children abuse each other without thinking it is a crime.

Why is parenting so challenging?
Because she fights to find what her child, toddler and infant want, while still giving them what they need and seems insufficient to say the least.

Parenting is so challenging because parents forget to rely on the one who knitted their child from the beginning. Could it be that trusting and obeying stays hard into adulthood, because we want our own way like a stubborn child would? Could it be as they struggle to find who they are, us parents are still looking for identities of our own? 

When everything is crashing down. Parenting is challenging because we try to overcome alone, maybe even for some moms they think they are not cut out for their God given role. 

Parenting is so challenging sometimes because parents try to lead themselves. They forget that even as adults, they need to hold their Fathers hand and let Him lead, heal and direct the home they would not have without His precious sons blood.

 

Sept 29th, 2022

-SSP

 

Punishment or Preperation 

 

He was my third child and my second home birth. No one knew what the weeks of his gestation would bring. He was a surprise from conception to our first skin-to-skin meet.

Just weeks before he was due, our family got sick and developed ear infections too! We went on antibiotics, I had been taking lots of over-the-counter pain medications, only then to discover we contracted a Covid infection!

My three-year-old and eighteen-month-old had been sick most of the season, I thought if we stayed home from church for a short time we could avoid major sickness complications. But, I was wrong.

I thought God may have punished me for keeping my family home in January. I thought He was trying to make a point to live by faith and not by fear. I just felt I needed to stop the sick cycle and in the process released a never-ending hell!

The worst part of all was the contraction of Cholestasis in my pregnancy which threatened my home birth like I never would have thought! It started with extreme itching and burning in my feet and palms, it spread to my sides like a forest fire. My stomach felt sick when I consumed everything - I thought I might just be perishing!

My midwife told me if I did not get my liver numbers under control that with a diagnostic like that a home birth would not be a safe bet. I would have to deliver even with a cesarian threat, in a hospital where my choice for a natural delivery would likely be taken.

She also said that if I followed her lead, we could reverse the numbers and perform the home birth as planned and succeed. So with this new hope, I did as she said. I ate fish and vegetables and only easily digestible fats.

I knew my liver had all but shut down completely and I could not stand the itching or my stomach hurting anymore. So I took liver enzymes, herbs, and baths. I drank lots of water and tried to get rest. I got my blood drawn every few days just as suggested and in just a few weeks my liver was healthy again.

Some erratic behavior was happening a couple of weeks before my baby was due, but I had myself checked by none other than OSU and everything was cleared for a healthy delivery. So my heart finally felt more at peace and my midwife was finally ok with home delivery.

But wait, just when I thought all the pieces were falling into place, our basement was flooded with city sewage backed up during heavy rain. Now over 40 weeks pregnant already having faced infection, Covid, Cholestasis, blood draws, weight loss, young children sick, and more; I now was stressed out that my birthing center smelled of a thousand skunks cross-bowed to death in the basement of our home!

My husband and father were able to get our basement cleaned in a few days. I brought me and my two children home from my parents where we stayed. I was so grateful at how well they cleaned up the place! I felt I could finally relax and smell without feeling like the world was a junkyard maze.

Finally, less than twenty-four hours since my husband was home from work on paternity leave, we sat down in bed to watch a comedic show to relax, laugh, and just be. It was then that our son broke his waters just like in a movie — I wondered at first: did I pee?

After discovering my water did indeed break, I began cleaning my home before contractions kicked in with strong waves. Never a dull moment in the crickard house though, my midwife was almost too slow! She meant to be on her way to me, but as it turned out another birth was happening simultaneously but early!

She sent a midwife to help me out who only lived 15 minutes out. I did not know her or she know me, so it was hard for her to help when she did not know what I would truly need. I was not in the mood to converse by the time she arrived, I felt so hopeless without my main midwife.

Then about thirty minutes before the baby arrived, labor fatigue had hit, and my faith had collapsed under the weight of exhaustion; but then walked in my midwife who brought hope to the room, she got me out of the water and brought forth my precious son.

God was not punishing me for trying to keep my family healthy, God was preparing me to show them endurance through suffering, which produces within us a persevering heart like only the Spirit can for those who seek Him.

09-19-2022

-SSP

Carrot Cake 

 

Carrot cake failure number three. I tried to surprise you for your birthday.

 

Went to the store where I bought a new cake, hoping to make everything ok.

 

My heart was always in the right place, though I knew you would not care either way.

 

Maybe I will understand someday, hotdogs from skyline are really all the same, as home made carrot cake on your birthday.

September 2022

-SSP

 

 

Remembering Why 

I took a shower this morning to wash myself off from a night to remember with the man that I love.

 

Sometimes he takes my breath away, like seeing as I imagine heavens gates opening up above.

 

I happily smile thinking of last night when we danced one of our songs as a pair.

 

I feel like the luckiest women alive because I’m loved by the very person who takes away my air. 

 

Sometimes I forget how much you care, sometimes I forget why when we are in strife.

 

But, when I think on the times that we have had, the ones where we listen untrite,

 

I’m reminded that you are my soul mate for life and our children are the fruit that we share.

 

I want you to know that no matter how hard life gets, you are my forever husband, my answer to every prayer.

 

As our son says: “today is a new day” and I renew my vows again, I promise to love you with all that I am, forever.

 

September 7th, 2022

 

-SSP

 

I Loved You 

 

I loved you,

but you tore us apart

I loved you

But you mistreated my heart

I loved you

But you wasted our time

I loved you

Though phone addicted you were

I loved you

But you lost the love art

I loved you

but you stopped singing your part

I loved you

But you ignored the signs

I loved you

you forgot I liked surprised

I loved you

But your vision still blurred

I loved you

But my needs still left unstirred

I loved you

My good undetected

I loved you

Now the sweet parts unnoticed

I loved you

We had good intentions

I loved you

Though no ear to instructions

I loved you

But no team imparted

I loved you

But our duet now separated

I loved you

But needed encouraged

I loved you

But neglect goes undeserved

I loved you

Many hurts unintended 

I loved you

But, to love is not to be loved

 

September 3rd, 2022

 

 

My Mortal Soul

This house is a cage and I am the mage, working all its corners yet miraculously estranged from all that I wish could understand my pain. I walk alone through it all, misunderstood, and crazed.

Why can’t my people see the me I know I am inside? I’m like a caged bird , flying at the bars and waiting for just one chance to try: Escaping all the pain within is impossible alone. I need support a solid boat to float, a plane to fly the sky!

I wish with all my heart for some compassionate heart to call. Some soul who knows my pain and groans or At least can sympathize. Someone who knows I just need held, a shoulder to shed my tears. A safe haven for me to be and grow with me for years.

I just need to let the fears and pain be cast into the sea, dear God won’t you send some help from heaven, a true friend for me. My soul confess please let my heart be blessed, deliver me from this hell filled thresh of pain and sorrow and loneliness …

The life that is my mortal soul. Breathe life back in my mortal soul. My mortal soul.

Be mine oh Christ that this mortal soul live on, to see the day when pain won’t plague the hearts of man anymore, where God is praised and peace will reign and the breath of life breathed back in me. My mortal soul to live in peace. My mortal soul to sing. 

Written: August 18th, 2022

 

Haikus 

Exploring New Genres... 5,7,5 

Haiku 1

write a new haiku

who knows what you can pursue

try the sky the limit

Haiku 2

Maybe we should not

Judge a circumstance without

Seeing what we have

Haiku 3

My son thinks my girl

Is a trampoline spring board

she does bounce and twirl 

Haiku 4

A shot only hurts

for but one second in time

be brave, you'll be fine! 

august 19fh, 2022

Haiku 5 

A joke by my son

I like stacking cans, because,

I simply ‘can’ see.

(September 3rd, 2022) 

-SSP

The Narrative of the House Car